Recovery Karma Part Two: Reaping What You Have Sewn

Hello Everyone. I am back with some more words of wisdom for you all as well as myself. I had another incident with a so called friend lying to me about a silly little thing that was not necessary to lie about in the first place. I typically reacted to this the way I used to by becoming angry and hurt and then placing all of the blame on myself. Today I decided to stop doing that yet again and do something positive by sharing it with you all. The friend in question was someone I haven't seen in a long time and when I did run into her I mentioned that I had a new place with a guest room. When I left I never really expected to see or hear from her again but I was wrong. She called that evening to ask if herself and her friend could spend the night instead of going to a motel. No it was not what it sounded like ( a one night booty call). She really was in a bad situation and they just needed a safe place to get their thoughts together. My girlfriend and I discussed it and said yes. Once they got here it was great we all got along beautifully and had a great time. I of course went overboard playing the hostess and acted like an excited puppy who just got a new toy. I have had such bad luck with friends or should I say people I chose to spend my time with that I just knew we were all off to a great start. As the weeks wore on they began spending a lot of time here and all was well. The other day they left with the promise of calling whenever they got to where they were going and they didn't. I didn't take it personally, I knew that they were in a drifting sort of phase in their lives and that I would see them again. I did see them a few days later and invited them to stay another night instead of shelling out motel money. This is where the lie begins. Upon leaving our meeting place to go home they mentioned leaving the next day to go to another state to see a relative for three days. The story was very elaborate and detailed and true to their words they left early the next morning to meed the relative for a ride. I thought nothing of it until the relative called here that evening looking for them. When I explained that they were supposed to be with her, she broke my heart when she said that they never mentioned staying with her and that no plans for them to stay with her were made. They obviously had plans for somewhere because they lit out of here at 7:00 A.M. like they were on fire. I am not upset about the actual lie, I am upset that the lie seemed tailored for me and that upon looking back on it, it seems they never call after using my hospitality. I always have to run into them somewhere in order to get in touch with them. Lots of things were going through my mind. Especially being that tomorrow I will be at a place where I typically see them. Also is the fact that I sent two emails to them since and I know they have gotten them. Both emails let them know that they were busted and to please call. I am still waiting. Whatever the case I thought of all kinds of reasons for the lie and again blamed myself. It must be something I did. I must be the problem. They are avoiding me. What is wrong with me? None of these things is helping the situation. They are only serving to make me more desperate to find them and get to the bottom of this. Then I think, what purpose will that serve either. All they will do is lie again or sugar coat the situation or worse they may call of any remnants of the friendship. Am I so desperate for companionship that I will tolerate these things in my life, or is it actually that I am so selfish as to think that because I did things for them that they owe me by calling and putting on the pretense of friendship. Do I even know what friendship is. All of these things and more are going through my head as I write. Truly the bottom line is this: Somewhere at sometime, someone has felt this way because of my actions. Someone has been hurt because I lied to them and misled them to get my needs or wants met. Somewhere at some time I have gotten the impression that I am not worthy of a true friendship and that I must buy peoples affection. Somewhere I went wrong. At no time should you have to buy someones affections. In no way should you give and expect to receive because you will always want for more and come up dissapointed and never ever can you make someone do what you want them to do unless they want to. Now I can go out tomorrow and keep behaving the same as I always have and hunt these two down and beg for more punishment by accepting less than from these two people that I have labeled as friends. I can beg them to tell me why they did what they did. I can plead with them to stop mistreating me, 0r I can let it go and start some new Karma by letting them be them and by setting up some boundaries with myself and others and start to choose more wisely with whom I keep my company with. I can turn over a new leaf and realize that true friendship starts within and then and only then will I make and form true friendships with others. As always I want to thank Karma for once again letting me see the error of my ways and for helping me reach that place where I am okay with me. I want to thank you all for being here with me as I reap my harvest of seeds planted so long ago. Bless you all and have a wonderful insightful day. May your lessons be many and your burdens be light.